Marriage is the Path

The Holy Prophet ﷺ informed us that marriage is half of faith. Discipline, longevity, sacrifice, and loyalty are no longer deemed virtuous in an age that values choice, freedom, self-fulfilment, and indulgence above all else. The Islamic tradition considers marriage to be neither a ‘social construct’ nor an antiquated sacrament, but rather it is a Divine Order, a primordial composition that forms the bedrock upon which societies and civilisations are built. In addition to the peripheral benefit of acting as an obstacle to that which the Almighty despises (fornication and indecent behaviour), marriage is a profound vehicle on the path towards perceiving the universe as it truly is, which is the ultimate objective of Islam. Phases of one’s marriage may be deeply romantic, consoling, and satisfying. Other periods may be the equivalent of attempting to ascend a mountain on a skateboard. It is the toil, the disagreements, the amendments that must be made in order to continue cohabitation that help shift the spouses’ world views, and induce the initiation of the inner battle, the conquering of immaturity by means of placing the needs of the other above the self. To learn to love another more than oneself is to learn to love others more than oneself, which is at the core of awakening.

Marriage is a matter of trust in The One. A relationship with another cannot be micromanaged or perfectly regulated. A lengthy ‘courtship’ period is not appropriate according to the Islamic tradition, which means that the choice of one’s marriage partner is a microcosm of the nature of appropriate decision-making in all areas of one’s life: evaluate to the extent that you can, but realise that ultimately He is the Decision Maker, and He will pair you with the one who will best facilitate your awakening, whether that be through flowers and candlelit dinners, or blazing rows and dirty socks left on the sofa. While it is the first aspect that we have been raised to expect from marriage, it is the second that really strengthens our character and develops nobility. The capacity to bite one’s tongue in the midst of a furious row is indicative of self-control and submission to the Divine Will. Those whose lives are intertwined will quickly find each other’s sore-spots. It is learning to manage the challenges posed by our spouses that makes us more human in the primordial sense, and it is the introspection caused by the complaints of one’s spouse that opens us up to the inaccuracies of our own perception. The married man soon realises that attempting to exert control over his wife is a futile endeavour, and the wise married man subsequently redirects his attention from the misdeeds of his wife to his own flaws, changing that which he has the ability to change. And one day, as if by accident, he looks upon his spouse and realises that she means more to him than the universe and everything in it, and that that which hurts her (including deeds which he has committed) hurts him more than that which is designed to hurt him. And then, he must manage his inner state when his wife is sick, remaining strong and positive when he is afraid of losing her. He must make decisions that he believes are in her interest despite being against her will, demonstrating courage and compassion in equal measure. He endeavours to provide, but experience teaches him that he cannot provide anything that is not destined for him by The One, and so he learns to trust. After ten years of marriage, he no longer evaluates the universe in terms of his own desires or goals, but rather interprets events according to the needs of his family. This is why marriage is such a potent vehicle for human awakening.

The Holy Prophet ﷺ encouraged those who follow him to marry. One’s wedding need not be an Instagram-worthy repast replete with a flower wall that perfectly matches the colour of the bride’s dress, ensuring that every aunty in the community is resentfully impressed. The Holy Prophet ﷺ modelled and championed simplicity in every aspect of life. Marriage is for Allah. Marriage is a means by which one comes to know oneself, and by extension The One. Do not abandon marriage. The Holy Prophet’s ﷺ advice is neither vacuous nor outdated. Treat marriage as a journey of discovery, a path upon which one treads in order to begin to see the universe as it truly is, and the lessons it teaches remove the rust of selfishness that settles on our hearts. Marriage sometimes leaves us inwardly tender and sore, but the trials it creates and the emotions it generates facilitate the maturation of our intent like no other endeavour. And He knows best.